The last couple of days have been very good for me. By that I mean I hope they represent what my new "normal" could be. Oh sure, there are still issues I am dealing with (my eye, not sleeping & headaches most of all) but overall, life has been good and managable. It has been a beautiful week and I have enjoyed time outside with my little boys, basking in the sunshine and watching a tractor dig a hole for a new house in the neighborhood. (The boys could watch that all day long!) It has felt very normal to me, which gives me high hopes for the future.
My entire family is now vaccinated from H1N1, so we are keeping our fingers crossed that none of us picks anything up this season, so we can all stay healthy and so I don't have to face anything else with a weakened immune system.
It's amazing what a difference a week makes, but truly, right now, I feel so good! And, I was so pleased yesterday to read a neat article which tells my story from the last year. The blog author, Veeda Bybee, features "amazing moms" and tells their stories. Personally, I think most moms are pretty amazing (you have to be to keep up with all that motherhood is these days). My mother is also in the article and she truly is an amazing mom! I think I was featured simply because of all the challenges we have faced this year. Still, she did a fantastic job of encapsulating the details into a well-written summary of my life this year.
Check it out at: http://theveedaweekly.blogspot.com/ . If you subscribe to her site, you will also be able to see future stories on great moms, and maybe even suggest someone for her to interview!
So, the blessings abound and for this week, at least, I am healthy, happy, and oh, so normal!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Moving Rocks and Shedding Tears
No matter what is going on in my life, my dear children always help me keep perspective. I love my little ones SOO much! I was with Daven on a windy day and we were walking to the car. He noticed the wind and immediately said, "Oooh, it's windy, Mom. I need a eye patch!" He was so matter-of-fact that I just laughed. He is obviously very observant and knows exactly what Momma is going through right now. Sweet, sweet boy (who also happens to be 2 and a little "curious" terror around the house!).
Last week as I was struggling with Strep Throat and being down in bed again, I was inundated by love and goodness yet again. A dear friend, who I have gotten to know through my whole "tumor experience" brought me multiple meals and treats during the week, plus sent me emails to keep my spirits up. She reminded me an old story about a king who built a new road in his kingdom. He told everyone that he would give a bag of gold to the person who could travel the road in the most eloquent style. As you can imagine, people showed up from everywhere, dressed in their very best, with carriages, horses and all manner of stately attire. But one man traveled alone, slowly, taking in the beautiful view from the road. When he came upon some debris in the road, he moved it, so it would not block the path for others travelling. Upon moving the rocks, he found the bag of gold. The man did not know where the gold had come from, and so he returned it to the king, explaining that it did not belong to him. The king told him that he knew there would be many who would travel the road, and the gold was meant for the one who would make the path better for others by removing the rocks and debris. The road is better to travel if we help each other.
This simple story was followed by a few sentences of perfect explanation. "Its simply what Christ did, and would want us to do. I am not a big religious person. I am not a big scriptorian. But I do know without a doubt that it's the small things in life that matter, often more than the earth shattering things. The little 'lift each other's burdens for a minute' things.... the letting other people know they matter..." She ended by saying that we are all travelling the road as best as we are able, but when we need a hand, we should let others move a few rocks for us.
Wow. What a beautiful message! Thank you, Els Manning, for reminding me about the beauty of the journey and the blessings of moving rocks and rock movers. I am inspired, yet again.
My tears over the last few days have been because I was "released" from my Church calling, working with the 12-18 year old young women. I know this is a rest and break my body needs, but I am so sad to let go of "my girls". They cannot comprehend now just how much they are loved. I will miss serving them so much. I have been promised the relationships will continue, and I know they will, but I am still tearful that my time with them is over for now. I am so grateful my dear friend Cami H. is taking over the reigns and will continue to help these wonderful young women know that they truly are DAUGHTERS of GOD. I can't fight the tears, but I will be forever grateful for the chance to have these young ladies in my life!
I know God is helping me find the time to rest, recover and recuperate. Last night I had a massage therapist work on my whole body, then I went straight to bed and slept for 9 hours!!! What a blessing and a wonderful chance for my body to heal. Thank you for the continued love, support and help moving my rocks. :)
Last week as I was struggling with Strep Throat and being down in bed again, I was inundated by love and goodness yet again. A dear friend, who I have gotten to know through my whole "tumor experience" brought me multiple meals and treats during the week, plus sent me emails to keep my spirits up. She reminded me an old story about a king who built a new road in his kingdom. He told everyone that he would give a bag of gold to the person who could travel the road in the most eloquent style. As you can imagine, people showed up from everywhere, dressed in their very best, with carriages, horses and all manner of stately attire. But one man traveled alone, slowly, taking in the beautiful view from the road. When he came upon some debris in the road, he moved it, so it would not block the path for others travelling. Upon moving the rocks, he found the bag of gold. The man did not know where the gold had come from, and so he returned it to the king, explaining that it did not belong to him. The king told him that he knew there would be many who would travel the road, and the gold was meant for the one who would make the path better for others by removing the rocks and debris. The road is better to travel if we help each other.
This simple story was followed by a few sentences of perfect explanation. "Its simply what Christ did, and would want us to do. I am not a big religious person. I am not a big scriptorian. But I do know without a doubt that it's the small things in life that matter, often more than the earth shattering things. The little 'lift each other's burdens for a minute' things.... the letting other people know they matter..." She ended by saying that we are all travelling the road as best as we are able, but when we need a hand, we should let others move a few rocks for us.
Wow. What a beautiful message! Thank you, Els Manning, for reminding me about the beauty of the journey and the blessings of moving rocks and rock movers. I am inspired, yet again.
My tears over the last few days have been because I was "released" from my Church calling, working with the 12-18 year old young women. I know this is a rest and break my body needs, but I am so sad to let go of "my girls". They cannot comprehend now just how much they are loved. I will miss serving them so much. I have been promised the relationships will continue, and I know they will, but I am still tearful that my time with them is over for now. I am so grateful my dear friend Cami H. is taking over the reigns and will continue to help these wonderful young women know that they truly are DAUGHTERS of GOD. I can't fight the tears, but I will be forever grateful for the chance to have these young ladies in my life!
I know God is helping me find the time to rest, recover and recuperate. Last night I had a massage therapist work on my whole body, then I went straight to bed and slept for 9 hours!!! What a blessing and a wonderful chance for my body to heal. Thank you for the continued love, support and help moving my rocks. :)
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Bonus Day
All week long, the skies were dreary and we got rain, snow and a little hail in the mix. The cold air gave you chills and encouraged many families to turn on the fireplaces or turn up the heat. But when we woke up on Halloween day, the sun was peaking out and it only got brighter and more beautiful as the day went along.
I could hardly believe it was the end of October! We took the kids outside and carved pumpkins in the afternnon sun, an activity usually reserved for inside on cold October evenings. But on this day, everything about it was beautiful. I couldn't help but feel like God had given us a bonus day, a little bit of sunshine to lift our souls and remind us of the warmth of summer that is now just a memory. I didn't want to go inside, so I stayed out as long as I could, first weeding the garden, then carving pumpkins, then just basking for a few moments. Perfect.
The family activities of the day were fun, as always. The kids had a great time with Dad getting treats from the neighbors and I had fun handing out the candy. This year, I did something I've never done before. I dressed up for Halloween. It seemed fitting that I should be a pirate, but not just any pirate, a princess pirate, complete with my be-dazzled eye patch, crooked face and smile, and the best darn "arghhhh, matey" you've ever heard. It was fun to play the part and feel like, for at least one day this year, I totally fit in. :)
Tolan and I didn't coordinate well, so we didn't get a lot of great pics of the kids before they went out. In the few he took, the kids weren't completely ready, especially my sweet ballerina Lindi. Still, they looked cute and had fun. After a full night at home, we loaded in the car and drove to Grandma and Grandpa Brown's house for more treats, including cinnamon rolls and pumpkn pie. Yum!
To top it off, we came home and went to bed "early" because of the daylight savings time switch, and I slept more last night than I had in the previous 3 nights! All in all, a great day!
Carving pumpkins outside on our "bonus" day! Dad went inside to cook the pumpkin seeds, a favorite family tradition!
All smiles and goopy hands when it is pumpkin day! I love to clean out the pumpkins and carve fun designs...one of my creative outlets, perhaps!
My pirate, ninja, ballerina and iPod. What a cute crew! :)
My sweet ballerina, Lindi. Children are not made any sweeter, kinder or more caring than this little lady. Trenden came home early because of a stomach ache, and all night long, all Lindi could think of was how badly she felt that her brother was missing out. What a sweetheart!
Trenden is totally into technology, so when he asked to be an iPod, I couldn't resist. Nothing could have been easier, a $.38 costume!
Me and my pal, pumpkin pirate Pete, just waitin' for the rascals to arrive.
Preparing to face the little marauders who'd be coming to my door.
The full get up...nothing special, just some duds from around the house, but it was fun to get dressed up and play the part! "Argh, who's at me door?"
I could hardly believe it was the end of October! We took the kids outside and carved pumpkins in the afternnon sun, an activity usually reserved for inside on cold October evenings. But on this day, everything about it was beautiful. I couldn't help but feel like God had given us a bonus day, a little bit of sunshine to lift our souls and remind us of the warmth of summer that is now just a memory. I didn't want to go inside, so I stayed out as long as I could, first weeding the garden, then carving pumpkins, then just basking for a few moments. Perfect.
The family activities of the day were fun, as always. The kids had a great time with Dad getting treats from the neighbors and I had fun handing out the candy. This year, I did something I've never done before. I dressed up for Halloween. It seemed fitting that I should be a pirate, but not just any pirate, a princess pirate, complete with my be-dazzled eye patch, crooked face and smile, and the best darn "arghhhh, matey" you've ever heard. It was fun to play the part and feel like, for at least one day this year, I totally fit in. :)
Tolan and I didn't coordinate well, so we didn't get a lot of great pics of the kids before they went out. In the few he took, the kids weren't completely ready, especially my sweet ballerina Lindi. Still, they looked cute and had fun. After a full night at home, we loaded in the car and drove to Grandma and Grandpa Brown's house for more treats, including cinnamon rolls and pumpkn pie. Yum!
To top it off, we came home and went to bed "early" because of the daylight savings time switch, and I slept more last night than I had in the previous 3 nights! All in all, a great day!
Carving pumpkins outside on our "bonus" day! Dad went inside to cook the pumpkin seeds, a favorite family tradition!
All smiles and goopy hands when it is pumpkin day! I love to clean out the pumpkins and carve fun designs...one of my creative outlets, perhaps!
My pirate, ninja, ballerina and iPod. What a cute crew! :)
My sweet ballerina, Lindi. Children are not made any sweeter, kinder or more caring than this little lady. Trenden came home early because of a stomach ache, and all night long, all Lindi could think of was how badly she felt that her brother was missing out. What a sweetheart!
Trenden is totally into technology, so when he asked to be an iPod, I couldn't resist. Nothing could have been easier, a $.38 costume!
Me and my pal, pumpkin pirate Pete, just waitin' for the rascals to arrive.
Preparing to face the little marauders who'd be coming to my door.
The full get up...nothing special, just some duds from around the house, but it was fun to get dressed up and play the part! "Argh, who's at me door?"There is much more news from the weekend, but I will catch up on all of that tomorrow night. The kids have the day off school tomorrow (end of the term) so we are going to just play! I am finally feeling better from my nasty case of strep throat, and now armed with an H1N1 flu shot, I am more prepared to get out. (Thanks to my great neighbor who vaccinated me at home! I guess there are some advantages to being "high-risk"!)
And now, here's to the start of our Thanksgiving month! Count your blessings, my friends, and if you are like me, you will find they add up quickly!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
In the Lord's Time with Angels All Along
It has been a rough couple of days in my house, though the hard times are always accompanied by good experiences, great friends and ministering angels. My cousin's wife, Leah Ketchum sent me the kindest email the other day. As I reflected on that email, I looked back over the short period of time of my frustrations and thought to myself, "It will all be well in the Lord's time". I know that is so very true. Tolan reminds me of this every day. The Lord's will is being done, I am learning and growing, despite the hardships. I am often reminded of hardships faced by one of our modern-day prophets, Joseph Smith, who was promised that his trials and afflictions (though difficult and drawn out) would be but a short moment, and if he endured them well, he would be exalted in the hereafter. So the Lord helps us learn from our experiences, then blesses us for trudging through. A promise doesn't get better than that, does it?
This morning I saw on the news that Elizabeth Smart, now 7 years after her kidnapping. She talked about her trials and how she knew there were angels with her everyday. She said you need to push on, despite your struggles, and not let them hold you back. Well said, Ms. Smart.
So, with many many wonderful angels still around me (Els, Tamron, Andee, Belinda, Amber, Mom, Dad, Tolan...) I will keep going, this day and always. Thank you all for your kind comments and emails. You inspire me, especially on the tough days!
On a personal note, a very Happy Birthday to my wonderful sister, Tami. She is so amazing to me and I love her dearly. She has been, and continues to be a huge support and a wonderful friend. God truly made us sisters for a reason. :)
This morning I saw on the news that Elizabeth Smart, now 7 years after her kidnapping. She talked about her trials and how she knew there were angels with her everyday. She said you need to push on, despite your struggles, and not let them hold you back. Well said, Ms. Smart.
So, with many many wonderful angels still around me (Els, Tamron, Andee, Belinda, Amber, Mom, Dad, Tolan...) I will keep going, this day and always. Thank you all for your kind comments and emails. You inspire me, especially on the tough days!
On a personal note, a very Happy Birthday to my wonderful sister, Tami. She is so amazing to me and I love her dearly. She has been, and continues to be a huge support and a wonderful friend. God truly made us sisters for a reason. :)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Down But Not Out
Just a quick update to let everyone know that although I am still sick, I am "OK", too. I went to the doctor today and found out that I have strep throat (hooray, not the flu!). He said my body isn't strong enough to fight off infections right now, so I am prone to whatever is out there. Today my glands were swollen to the size of grapefruits (or at least golf balls :) so that was a big clue. The good news is, at least strep can be effectively treated! So, I got a big shot in my bum, and the recovery should begin within 24 hours.
Another bit of info the Dr. gave me today...he said with my recent "history", I should go straight to the Dr. or ER if I have a fever of any kind. Hmm, good piece of info for the future. He also had me do a blood test while I was there, to test my iron. He thinks I may be anemic, which could be attributing to some of my many issues. I am truly grateful to know that despite feeling like crap, I am going to be feeling better soon and some of my infirmities may get slightly better if I go on iron supplements. That is good news!
Oh, and best of all, a surprise visit from my Mom today! That always makes me feel better! Thanks to the great friends for the wonderful meals (Cathy and Els, you are awesome and inspired!). Expect yet another recovery on the way!
Another bit of info the Dr. gave me today...he said with my recent "history", I should go straight to the Dr. or ER if I have a fever of any kind. Hmm, good piece of info for the future. He also had me do a blood test while I was there, to test my iron. He thinks I may be anemic, which could be attributing to some of my many issues. I am truly grateful to know that despite feeling like crap, I am going to be feeling better soon and some of my infirmities may get slightly better if I go on iron supplements. That is good news!
Oh, and best of all, a surprise visit from my Mom today! That always makes me feel better! Thanks to the great friends for the wonderful meals (Cathy and Els, you are awesome and inspired!). Expect yet another recovery on the way!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sick but Grateful
After a generally good, productive day yesterday, I hit another small snag today. I woke up with a terrible sore throat and a fever of near 102 degrees, which has stayed with me all day. I have slept for 5-7 of my normally "waking" hours and I am getting ready to go back to bed again.
I think my body is just too worn down to fight off infection right now. Still, despite being down all day (which eerily reminded me of my days in the hospital, unable to do anything), I am feeling very grateful.
Today my sweet Tolan and darling Trenden took care of everything. Tolan had the kids for the whole days, by himself, with none of the normal entertainment options because of the Sabbath day. He took them for a drive and a "Picnic", which ended up being in the car since it wa only 30 degrees at the top of Monte Cristo. He made lunch, dinner, brownies and took them on a 1.5+ hours long walk to the river and back. WOW! He is truly amazing! He had a positive attitude the whole day and only now declared he needs to be "off duty". My love!
Trenden made me lunch while Dad was gone on the picnic with the other kids. He made me chicken noodle soup and brought it to me, in bed, on a tray, complete with crackers, water and a straw! What an inspirational and in-touch boy I have been blessed with.
Heading back to bed now in hopes of filling better in the morning. Still can't get warm, despite the jammies, sweatshirt, and 2 extra blankets on my bed. I owe a few emails and calls to friends, so give me a few days and I will hopefully be "back on the horse". Know that I love you, so stay away so you don't get sick! :)
I think my body is just too worn down to fight off infection right now. Still, despite being down all day (which eerily reminded me of my days in the hospital, unable to do anything), I am feeling very grateful.
Today my sweet Tolan and darling Trenden took care of everything. Tolan had the kids for the whole days, by himself, with none of the normal entertainment options because of the Sabbath day. He took them for a drive and a "Picnic", which ended up being in the car since it wa only 30 degrees at the top of Monte Cristo. He made lunch, dinner, brownies and took them on a 1.5+ hours long walk to the river and back. WOW! He is truly amazing! He had a positive attitude the whole day and only now declared he needs to be "off duty". My love!
Trenden made me lunch while Dad was gone on the picnic with the other kids. He made me chicken noodle soup and brought it to me, in bed, on a tray, complete with crackers, water and a straw! What an inspirational and in-touch boy I have been blessed with.
Heading back to bed now in hopes of filling better in the morning. Still can't get warm, despite the jammies, sweatshirt, and 2 extra blankets on my bed. I owe a few emails and calls to friends, so give me a few days and I will hopefully be "back on the horse". Know that I love you, so stay away so you don't get sick! :)
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Sleep Brings New Perspective
After a very difficult day yesterday, I am doing much better this morning! Tolan convinced me to call it quits for the day around 9pm, so he got me some pain killer and a valium (which I almost never take, but seemed like a good option to help me get some rest) and I went to bed around 9:30pm. Thanks to my sweetie for making me slow down! Well, today I feel sooo much better about life, even though I am still in a lot of pain. Funny how sleep can change everything!
Another thing that changes everything is perspective. Just ask my friends Jackie, Jason, Heather, and my Mom and Dad. :) They all helped me yesterday by giving me a little perspective on life. Jackie Dillard helped me realize (again) that it is OK to be frustrated, and it helps to talk to someone who knows what you are going through. Thanks for the call, Jackie. Jason reaffirmed that despite our bodies being in less-than-stellar conditions, they are still blessings to us, as they are the gift we have been given to get through this life (even if we feel like our bodies are older than our minds). Heather Doutre, well, she helped me so much, by seeing my need, taking Casen for the afternoon and then bringing in a much-needed and wonderful dinner! Mom is great to remind me that I can make things better by taking the time to rest (even when it seems impossible to do!) And my Dad shared with me stories of heart-breaking tragedies that others are facing, which reminded me, that although my life isn't perfect, I AM STILL ALIVE and KICKING and that is a huge blessing in itself.
Thanks to everyone for your continued support and love. Now, I am attempting to have a positive, get things done day...but if not, that is OK, too!
Another thing that changes everything is perspective. Just ask my friends Jackie, Jason, Heather, and my Mom and Dad. :) They all helped me yesterday by giving me a little perspective on life. Jackie Dillard helped me realize (again) that it is OK to be frustrated, and it helps to talk to someone who knows what you are going through. Thanks for the call, Jackie. Jason reaffirmed that despite our bodies being in less-than-stellar conditions, they are still blessings to us, as they are the gift we have been given to get through this life (even if we feel like our bodies are older than our minds). Heather Doutre, well, she helped me so much, by seeing my need, taking Casen for the afternoon and then bringing in a much-needed and wonderful dinner! Mom is great to remind me that I can make things better by taking the time to rest (even when it seems impossible to do!) And my Dad shared with me stories of heart-breaking tragedies that others are facing, which reminded me, that although my life isn't perfect, I AM STILL ALIVE and KICKING and that is a huge blessing in itself.
Thanks to everyone for your continued support and love. Now, I am attempting to have a positive, get things done day...but if not, that is OK, too!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Struggling and Repeating Repeating Myself
It has been only hours since my last post, but I am having a very hard time and I just need to vent. Mentally I often feel like I am doing very well, like I am conquering this challenge, one day at a time. Physically, however, I feel differently. I feel like I am in the body of an 80-year-old, struggling to do the things I once could.
The process of lying in the hospital bed on my side for nearly 5 weeks have wreaked havoc on my back, neck, shoulders and hips. I already had problems with those areas, but now I am much worse. For weeks now I have been in constant pain and been unable to sleep. Last night I slept with a seat massage pad in my bed so I could get relief if things got too bad. Well, I used the massager multiple times in the night, but I didn't sleep much and I am a total mess. I physically hurt so much, my muscles are in knots and I am in pain. Mentally, I cannot overcome this one until I can get some relief.
I have been awake for hours and I am just trying to figure out how to tackle this challenge. It is not greater than the other challenges I have faced, but it is causing me a lot of pain and anquish right now. I will be making some phone calls soon to see what solutions are available.
Last night Tolan also brought up an issue which I am struggling with. He told me that since my surgeries, he has noticed that I repeat myself, telling the same thing multiple times to a single person. I was not aware of this, but I am aware of other "little" things that frustrate me, including forgetting words, names, etc. Medically speaking, these things should not be happening, they should not be effects from my suregeries. And yet, they are happening.
Throughout all these personal frustrations, I have become yet more appreciative of life and love. I know these challenges are mine right now for very specific reasons and I pray that I will be able to overcome and learn lessons that will help me down the road.
The process of lying in the hospital bed on my side for nearly 5 weeks have wreaked havoc on my back, neck, shoulders and hips. I already had problems with those areas, but now I am much worse. For weeks now I have been in constant pain and been unable to sleep. Last night I slept with a seat massage pad in my bed so I could get relief if things got too bad. Well, I used the massager multiple times in the night, but I didn't sleep much and I am a total mess. I physically hurt so much, my muscles are in knots and I am in pain. Mentally, I cannot overcome this one until I can get some relief.
I have been awake for hours and I am just trying to figure out how to tackle this challenge. It is not greater than the other challenges I have faced, but it is causing me a lot of pain and anquish right now. I will be making some phone calls soon to see what solutions are available.
Last night Tolan also brought up an issue which I am struggling with. He told me that since my surgeries, he has noticed that I repeat myself, telling the same thing multiple times to a single person. I was not aware of this, but I am aware of other "little" things that frustrate me, including forgetting words, names, etc. Medically speaking, these things should not be happening, they should not be effects from my suregeries. And yet, they are happening.
Throughout all these personal frustrations, I have become yet more appreciative of life and love. I know these challenges are mine right now for very specific reasons and I pray that I will be able to overcome and learn lessons that will help me down the road.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Analogies for Life
Not long ago, I posted about my life being "under construction". This continues to be more true than I could have anticipated in the moment the analogy first came into my mind. Tonight, for example, I was reminded that I cannot drive in the dark (of course, it wasn't dark when I left the house, but the night seems to be coming earlier these days!). So, as I drove home, the path was full of orange cones, flag men and slow-down signs, which in reality means blurry vision, poor eyesight and fluid draining from my eyes. The funny thing is, my eye was good all day, until I attempted to drive. :) (Don't worry, my friends, I stayed within my 5-mile limit!)
One thing my mother-in-law, Kay, mentioned about the construction analogy is that construction projects always take more time than anticipated. This one is hard for me. People ask me constantly how I am doing. The truth is, in comparison to 4 months ago, I am doing remarkably well and I am a totally different physical person! However, in comparison to the person I would like to be, well, I still have a long way to go. A few good friends keep reminding me, I did just have a few MAJOR BRAIN SURGERIES!! Of course it should take time to recover, it is just longer than I'd like. :)
It is funny to think about now, but when I was in the hospital, the facial paralysis, hearing, sight, headaches, etc. didn't really bother me. Now, that is not to say I wasn't in pain, because I was often in nearly unbearable pain, but the idea of the paralysis didn't bother me. It wasn't until I got home and tried to become "normal" again that I realized how hard it would be for me to adjust in the real world. The hospital is anything but the real world, it is a bubble away from the world.
Since I am on an analogy kick, another one I think about often is pregnancy. From the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant, her every thought is somehow influenced by the little life inside her. What she eats, when she goes to bed, how/when/if she exercises, how she feels, all of these things are influenced by the fact that she knows she is pregnant. "I won't eat that cake because it isn't good for the baby..." Then, once the child is born, all decisions are influenced by the child that has joined the family. This is very much how I have felt, as well. Every day, in each thing I do, the "tumor" (and its effects) are somewhere in the back of my mind. Sometimes it is because of things I cannot do, other times it is because of gratitude, other times I am still in shock that it was really "inside of me" causing all those complications.
Today, for example, Trenden and I were talking about what an excellent public speaker he is, especially for a 10-year old! We recalled the day of his cousin's baptism, when Trenden gave the main talk and blew us all away with his wit, charm and understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Well, it happened to be April 11, 2009, the day after my diagnosis. When I mentioned this to Trenden, he said, "Is that the day you and dad were crying all the time?" Yes, it was the day, or days, or weeks... I started to cry tonight, yet again, when I recalled how it felt when we were told I had an "inoperable brain tumor" on my brain stem. Oh, the emotions. And, yes, since that time, I have been pregnant with a tumor.
So, tonight as I am totally exhausted, yet rarely able to sleep well, I cannot help but think of all my analogies for life and simply hope that tonight's path will be free of debris and mom and the "baby" will have a good night. Hope you do, too!
One thing my mother-in-law, Kay, mentioned about the construction analogy is that construction projects always take more time than anticipated. This one is hard for me. People ask me constantly how I am doing. The truth is, in comparison to 4 months ago, I am doing remarkably well and I am a totally different physical person! However, in comparison to the person I would like to be, well, I still have a long way to go. A few good friends keep reminding me, I did just have a few MAJOR BRAIN SURGERIES!! Of course it should take time to recover, it is just longer than I'd like. :)
It is funny to think about now, but when I was in the hospital, the facial paralysis, hearing, sight, headaches, etc. didn't really bother me. Now, that is not to say I wasn't in pain, because I was often in nearly unbearable pain, but the idea of the paralysis didn't bother me. It wasn't until I got home and tried to become "normal" again that I realized how hard it would be for me to adjust in the real world. The hospital is anything but the real world, it is a bubble away from the world.
Since I am on an analogy kick, another one I think about often is pregnancy. From the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant, her every thought is somehow influenced by the little life inside her. What she eats, when she goes to bed, how/when/if she exercises, how she feels, all of these things are influenced by the fact that she knows she is pregnant. "I won't eat that cake because it isn't good for the baby..." Then, once the child is born, all decisions are influenced by the child that has joined the family. This is very much how I have felt, as well. Every day, in each thing I do, the "tumor" (and its effects) are somewhere in the back of my mind. Sometimes it is because of things I cannot do, other times it is because of gratitude, other times I am still in shock that it was really "inside of me" causing all those complications.
Today, for example, Trenden and I were talking about what an excellent public speaker he is, especially for a 10-year old! We recalled the day of his cousin's baptism, when Trenden gave the main talk and blew us all away with his wit, charm and understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Well, it happened to be April 11, 2009, the day after my diagnosis. When I mentioned this to Trenden, he said, "Is that the day you and dad were crying all the time?" Yes, it was the day, or days, or weeks... I started to cry tonight, yet again, when I recalled how it felt when we were told I had an "inoperable brain tumor" on my brain stem. Oh, the emotions. And, yes, since that time, I have been pregnant with a tumor.
So, tonight as I am totally exhausted, yet rarely able to sleep well, I cannot help but think of all my analogies for life and simply hope that tonight's path will be free of debris and mom and the "baby" will have a good night. Hope you do, too!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Third Person Perspective and Life Events
Every Monday night, we shun the world and spend time together as a family: Family Home Evening (FHE), is what it is called. Our church has recommended this for years, and we have done it since I was a little girl, so I am glad Tolan and I have continued the tradition. So, last night for our FHE, we wrote Thank You cards for all my doctors, nurses and staff of the Neuro Care Units. Yes, it has been a while since I have been out of the hospital, but I think it is almost better for me to thank them now that I have a little more perspective on life, that is my past, present and future lives. :) It was surprisingly emotional for me to write down my feelings about the people who invested so much time and energy into helping me. I shed a few tears of thanksgiving.
I read through the blog posts to remember names of some of my nurses, so I could thank them by name. As I did this, I once again, got caught up in reading "my story" as it happened from one minute or one day to the next. Now, many people would want to forget such a challenge. Some would say I am crazy for reading about it or looking at all the pictures...but I don't feel that way at all. It is eery when I read it, because I feel like it is not me, but like I am reading a book from a 3rd person perspective. Does that seem strange?
As you think back on your life, do you think of each individual day? No, of course not. There is too much. What we think about are "events" or things that are particularly memorable for some reason. That is how I think about my experiences of the last year. There was "pre-diagnosis", "tumor diagnosis", "fear and waiting", "surgery #1", "spinal fluid leak and paralysis", "surgery #2", "near-death experiences", "surgery #3", "homecoming", "surgery #4", etc., etc. These are the "Events" that comprise my memories. When I read the day-to-day posts, I find myself wondering "what will happen next?". Then I read it, and all the memories come flooding back, but in my mind, I don't think of my life the way I do when I read about it in the posts.
I read all the way through June 1, 2009, before stopping for the evening. I sobbed, yet again, as I read and remembered... I cried when I read about Trenden fasting for me, day after day. I cried when I saw pictures of my family, giving me hugs. I cried when I thought of my dad, there by my side every day. I cried when I thought of my mom, taking care of my kids. I cried when I saw my sweet Tolan, the rock of my life, staring at his wife in a hosital bed. I cried when I read the posts from YOU when you expressed your love, concern and offering of prayers and help. I cried when I remembered the specific details of tiny moments that could be forgotten, were it not for the words captured on the posts of the blog.
Tolan and I talked about it last night and decided I need to get the blog put into book form as soon as I can. This is my life and my history. You are part of it. You have kept me going on hard days (like today when my eye doesn't want to work, so Mary Ann is picking up Lindi from dance, since I can't see). You have encouraged me, uplifted me, inspired me and motivated me. Yes, this is my life and my history and you are definitely part of it! Thank you!
I read through the blog posts to remember names of some of my nurses, so I could thank them by name. As I did this, I once again, got caught up in reading "my story" as it happened from one minute or one day to the next. Now, many people would want to forget such a challenge. Some would say I am crazy for reading about it or looking at all the pictures...but I don't feel that way at all. It is eery when I read it, because I feel like it is not me, but like I am reading a book from a 3rd person perspective. Does that seem strange?
As you think back on your life, do you think of each individual day? No, of course not. There is too much. What we think about are "events" or things that are particularly memorable for some reason. That is how I think about my experiences of the last year. There was "pre-diagnosis", "tumor diagnosis", "fear and waiting", "surgery #1", "spinal fluid leak and paralysis", "surgery #2", "near-death experiences", "surgery #3", "homecoming", "surgery #4", etc., etc. These are the "Events" that comprise my memories. When I read the day-to-day posts, I find myself wondering "what will happen next?". Then I read it, and all the memories come flooding back, but in my mind, I don't think of my life the way I do when I read about it in the posts.
I read all the way through June 1, 2009, before stopping for the evening. I sobbed, yet again, as I read and remembered... I cried when I read about Trenden fasting for me, day after day. I cried when I saw pictures of my family, giving me hugs. I cried when I thought of my dad, there by my side every day. I cried when I thought of my mom, taking care of my kids. I cried when I saw my sweet Tolan, the rock of my life, staring at his wife in a hosital bed. I cried when I read the posts from YOU when you expressed your love, concern and offering of prayers and help. I cried when I remembered the specific details of tiny moments that could be forgotten, were it not for the words captured on the posts of the blog.
Tolan and I talked about it last night and decided I need to get the blog put into book form as soon as I can. This is my life and my history. You are part of it. You have kept me going on hard days (like today when my eye doesn't want to work, so Mary Ann is picking up Lindi from dance, since I can't see). You have encouraged me, uplifted me, inspired me and motivated me. Yes, this is my life and my history and you are definitely part of it! Thank you!
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