.. . . . . . Of Hope and Love

Saturday I went to a beautiful wedding. I cried when I saw tears from the father of the bride as he gave his daughter to her new husband. My heart was filled with hope as I saw the love between the bride and her groom. They, too, were filled with hope, evident in their eyes and their smiles.

They hope for wonderful days ahead, for blessings of health, strength, compassion and love. They hope for fairy-tale endings and real-life miracles. They hope for a strong family and years of growth, until they finally grow old together.

The ceremony, only a few minutes long, reminded me why love is so important. It reminded me that I need to demonstrate love in all I do, as well as in the ways I touch, smile and see others. I am grateful for this event and for the restored hope and joy I feel because of it. I will always remember the look on the bride's face as she stood next to her groom, as he caressed her hand and they said, "I do". A beautiful start to a happy, hopeful, loving life together. My best wishes to Nicole and Patrick as they start out their lives together. And, congrats to my dear friend, Noellee, the amazing mother of the bride!

I pray we can all have that kind of hope and love in our families, this day and always.

PS - Thank you to my dear friends who helped me out at church yesterday when I was feeling dizzy and under the weather. Your loving actions give me hope in mankind. :)

. . . . . . Insomnia

Sleepless nights make for hard days. The last few weeks I have spent hours and hours lying in bed, unable to find rest. Today I decided I have had enough so I called my doc and I am hoping he will have a solution to help. If any of you have suggestions, please share!

Rather than stumble through a long update post, know that I continue to make progress and life is good. I had a facial therapy appointment and Janene gave me a smiley face on my page and said my improvement since June is phenomenal! I could be "conference worthy" because I have changed so much. Great news, and we are still working to make things better.

I hope you are still looking for and finding your own miracles everyday, as we are! Love you all.

. . . . . School Days

Walking out the door, sun in my eyes, I can hardly see them as they go...
Once so little, now independent and half grown, as off to school they go.
The smell of new shoes and sharpened pencil leads fills the air
And I see the crisp bright shirts and perfectly combed hair.
With sadness and joy I watch them start a new learning year once more
Knowing my "little ones" become big as they walk through the school door.
Off on their own to face the world, I hope and pray I have taught them right
So they can stand tall and brave, kind, faithful and always full of God's might.

Happy First Day of School! Love, Jodi

. . . . . . The Beginning, Middle or End??

I have long been debating the end... Not the end of the world or any doomsday topic like that, but rather the natural "end" to this stage of my life. For nearly 2 years, my life has been ruled by doctor's appointments, tests, shots, scans, surgeries, recoveries, and medications. But more than all of these things, as the name of the blog indicates, my life has been full of MIRACLES.

I know that many of you are to thank for the miracles. You are the ones who have prayed for, fasted for, cried for and loved me when I needed it the most. Thank you.

The truth is, I am doing so much better now that I sometimes feel guilty "taking" anything more for myself. I believe I have had the miracles I sought from God, so perhaps this phase of my life is coming to an end. The miracles, I believe will never cease, but maybe "A Miracle for Jodi Brown" should. Perhaps it is time to end the blog, so I can turn all my attention back to my family.

When I contemplate this question, I find myself asking one main thing, "Who are you writing the blog for?" Is this for me? Is this for you? Is this for my family? The answer is, yes, to all three. The blog is a place where I can be totally honest with how I am feeling at any moment, I can shed my tears, invest my hopes, pray for miracles and vent to the world, all in my "little" online universe. It is extremely helpful and therapeutic for me, especially on the really hard days.

Someday, I also hope my children and family will be able to read my words, and yours, and know there is a loving God who cares deeply about each of us, and our struggles. I also want them to know that people are good, and they help each other, even those they do not know.

I also have to admit that I have grown to love all of you. I love the "you've got mail" feeling of seeing that some of you have left comments for me to read. They lift my spirits, make me laugh and help me remember what is important in life. Not to mention, they have kept me going when times were really tough. I also enjoy the relationships I have with so many of you, who have emailed, left comments, sent cards and love as you have gone on this journey with me. Some days, I am only thinking of you when I write.

The dichotomy is that I both dread and look forward to the end. I look forward to being WHOLE and fully investing ALL of myself in my family again, but I also dread the thought of losing all of you, as you are so dear to my heart, whether we know each other or not. But, I also wonder if I have "anything" left that is worthy of your precious time and attention.

So, what do YOU think? Where are we on this little timeline of blog life? The beginning, middle or end?? My love to all of you. :)

. . . . .Finding the Good, Better, Best

Last year, a wonderful talk was given by religious leader, Dallin Oaks. He challenged us to find the BEST ways to use our time, talents and energies. He reminded us there would be many good and better ways to spend our time, but we should focus on those that would be the BEST use of our time.

School starts next week for my children, as so do all their fall activities. I have found myself stressed over the last weeks, trying to fogure out how we are going to have the time and money for the variety of activities our children want to participate in. The calendar began to fill and I quickly realized that every afternoon and evening (plus some mornings) would be taken with activities for our children.

After a long discussion with Tolan, we have decided it is just too much for the family, and not the BEST use of my time, or the children's time, to be engaged in so many activities. So, I have been un-enrolling kids from activities all week. Already I feel a sigh of relief to know that we have been freed from the entanglements of the world, even the "good" ones.

We will all still have plenty of activities to do, but time together as a family is far more important to us now, and we are confident the BEST way we can spend our time is TOGETHER. :)

. . . . . . Surgery Post-Op Appointment

Today I had a post-op with Dr. Kim. He is my normal oculoplastic surgeon and he will be doing all my follow-ups since Dr. Levine is so far away.

The good news is that my eye looks great (for 11 days post-op, that is). There is very little swelling and almost no bruising left. It is truly remarkable, no, more than that, miraculous is more like it. The docs and their patients all told me to expect terrible swelling and bruising for 3 weeks, with complete recovery in 3 months. In comparison to that time frame, my recovery is truly miraculous. :)

My stitches came out and everything from the procedure looks good. I still cannot blink, and I hope that will come in time, as the rest of the swelling goes away and things settles into place. I emailed Dr. Levine with more post-op questions, so I hope to have a few more answers soon.

The bad news is my vision has gotten worse out of my right eye, a lot worse. I was 20/50, now I am 20/200. Yikes. Dr. Kim said it is because I have "shagreen" which is essentially like having scales (they refer to it as crocodile shagreen) on the eye. Some of the "scales" are normal, but mine are particularly bad now, causing the poor vision. This is likely a result of overexposure and trauma to the eye from everything over the last few weeks, including tests, surgery, contacts, dry air..... So, hopefully it is temporary.

I still have a long way to go, but Dr. Kim was clearly impressed with how far I have come. He said the brow lift looked beautiful and makes me look much more normal (I agree!). He also said there are surgeons who can help fix my smile by literally "pinning" it up from my temple and hooking the corner of my mouth. Strange thought, but no stranger than a spring in my eye. :)

So, a good appointment overall, with plenty of room still for improvement. Check out today's eye pics.

. . . . . . . The Importance of Friends

For making me smile and lifting my spirits, thank you, dear friends. For sending me flowers and cards of care, thank you, dear friends. For calling and emailing and bringing over dinner and treats, thank you, dear friends.

Good friends are sooo important! I truly appreciate all the kindness that has been shown to our family this week. Thanks to Cami and Heidi for wonderful meals, to Randy for his always heartfelt sentiments and card, to the gang at OC Tanner for the beautiful flowers, to my sisters and my mom, for listening when times were tough, to my dad for being so faithful at checking up on me, and to my amazing husband for taking care of EVERYTHING when I couldn't! Oh, and to our dear, dear friends, the Rhoads, thank you for driving up here to spend the day and evening with us. It was a wonderful visit, a fun BBQ, and the kids had a blast at the river!!!

This river is just about 2 minutes from our house, it is just like a scene out of the movies, with a water hole, rope swing and a rafting area! I love where we live! :)

I love you all and the amazing support you give me, especially when times are tough! Thank you!

. . . . . . Weighty Matters

It is probably good that I didn't write a post yesterday, as I was an emotional basket case most of the day. My apologies to anyone who happened to call or stop by, and therefore became a victim of my tears and blubbering.

Let's just say that it takes me a day or two to get a grip when reality strikes and I realize that there is no such thing as a "fix" to my issues. I am so ready to be better, to be well, to be whole, but that day will have to wait. Until then, the "hard" days will happen from time to time. I guess that is life.

I have finished some of my meds, so I have fewer side effects to deal with now, meaning I should not have as many dizzy spells, balance issues, headaches and mood swings. That is great news.

My eye is looking great, all things considered. I cannot believe how quickly it is looking better. It is still not functioning the way it will, but progress is happening.

After surgery last week, they gave me back the gold weight that was in my eye since last June. Strange to see this little piece of gold and realize that it was part of me.

Notice the curved shape, which was supposed to fit the contour of my eye.

My kids were hoping it would be worth a lot of money, since it is 24 carat gold, however, according to the price of gold today (which is near an all-time high), I figure it is worth about $70. We could melt it down, but it would hardly be worth the effort, I'd rather keep the gold weight as it is. It is part of my history, part of me. And, I KNOW that one day, photos, eye patches and gold weights will be the only physical reminders of my challenges. So, I better keep it, just for proof. :)

. . . . . Spinning Around

Nearly 18 months ago, not knowing what was going on inside my head, I put a status update on my Facebook account that simply stated, "Jodi is dizzy." An old friend that I haven't seen in years jokingly replied, "Then stop spinning around in circles."

How I wish I could stop spinning now. The medications I am on following my surgery have several side effects, and in pure Jodi fashion, I am experiencing many of them. I am quite dizzy, off balance and have headaches again. It is eerily reminiscent to my condition last year before my brian surgery. Not wanting to go back there again, I will gladly take this instead. Still, I hope that as I finish my meds in the next few days/weeks, I will be able to put my head on straight and stop spinning around in circles.

And, selfishly, I want the process to go faster. The doctors told me it would take 2-3 weeks for my body to feel better and 3 months for my eye to look normal. In the scheme of things, that is nothing. And, in reality, I am progressing much faster than they had hoped. But, last night I couldn't help but wish I could just be totally healed, all at once. I know that is selfish, for there are so many whose maladies are so much harder and worse than my own right now, but sometimes I still feel that way. I want to be me again, in body and spirit. Funny how one day I can feel so blessed for my body, the next so overcome by it not working the way I want it to.

Agh, enough wallowing. Thank you again for all the wonderful notes of encouragement and love. It is your prayers and faith that have helped get me this far, so I should not complain to you, but rather, simply say "Thank You", dear friends for your support.

. . . . . Family Update

Now I know for sure that the Lord sustained me during the funeral and the days following my surgery. I know because now I feel like I should have felt then. I have slept a ton and I still can't quite get feeling better yet, but that will come in time.

I did go to an hour of church today, and despite not physically feeling well, I was glad I went. I always feel the love of my friends and neighbors, as well as the love of my Savior when I go.

But, clearly I still have more recovering to do before I am functioning again. One positive note, the doctor in CA told me that because of my facial paralysis, the swelling would be either delayed or not as bad as normal, because my glands don't work and don't send the water signals properly. So, the good news is my swelling is at a minimum, though the lovely, flattering photos below will show that the bruising has set in.

Oh, and my nose is crooked now, too. That's a new one, but I guess it is because the paraylzed muscles and good muscles are pulling things in opposite directions but the forces are uneven, so I am crooked, yet again. All in time...

This is a good reminder, once again, that our physical bodies are not representative of our spirits. I am not my bruised and battered face. Inside, I like to think I am glowing after all the love I have felt and lessons I have learned from God.

I wanted to give an update on my sister, Tami, and her baby, Kurt. He is only a month old now and went in for a CT scan Thursday to check on the status of his CCAM tumor. Well, it is bigger than they thought (4.5 x 3.5 2.5 centimeters) and in a lower lobe of his lung. What's worse, it is still growing, fairly rapidly. The surgeon told Tami to pay attention to his condition constantly and if ever ANYTHING appears of out the ordinary to take him into the hospital. They will have to do surgery, but they hope to wait until he is a little bigger and stronger. Please include them in your prayers so we can have miracles for little Kurt, too!

While you are at it, please pray for my sister, Kristi, as well. She is in the process of being diagnosed for a still unknown disorder that is causing her to grow cysts throughout her body and put on massive weight gain. She is tired all the time and her hormones and entire body is out of whack. The process of figuring it out is very long, as there are literally thousands of potential causes they are sorting through. This is difficult both physically and emotionally as they try to figure out why her body is fighting against itself.

So, if you have enough energy left to exert on our family, please add my sisters to your list! Thank you! I love you all!