Friday night I had a dream that was so real, it scared me even after I was awake. In my dream, my eustation tube had somehow come unstitched and my spinal fluid leak had started again. I could feel when it happened, as there was a "pop" in my ear. In the dream, I became concerned about germs causing an infection in my brain, or air getting in, and causing pneumocephalus again. I kept trying to call my doctors but no one was available and I was starting to panic from fear. I dialed the numbers over and over again, but no one ever answered. As the dream went on, I could "feel" air silently creeping in and putting my life in danger.
When I awoke Saturday morning, I was exhausted and felt like I could go right back to bed. I told Tolan about the dream and he speculated it was a result of the trauma I have been through in the last year.
Well, I am certainly grateful it was a dream, and not reality, but no matter how much I try to "move on", I find myself reliving some of the difficult days and scary moments. Part of me is still in shock that it all happened. It almost feels like an out of body experience, where I could see it happening, but it wasn't really me. I am so thankful for my life and I feel peace with where I am, so I am not sure why these dreams or "fears" are still so gripping. Why am I fine one day, then sobbing the next, as I think about what could have been?
Though I have no answers, I do have gratitude for the experiences. They are a reminder of how precious life is and where my priorities should stay focused.
If anyone has theories on why this is still happening, I'd love to hear. Thanks. Love you all.