I Am A Work in Progress

Today my blog title is one I "lifted" from a friend's blog, http://jasonslifeisgood.blogspot.com/. It is very fitting for me to use today and I hope he doesn't mind the plagiarism. I call Jason a friend, though I've never met him, only read of his trials and challenges on his blog. We have some things in common, but this man has endured much more than I ever have, and despite his difficult days, he pushes on.

Yesterday and today have been a bit difficult for me and the title of the post sums up the reasons why. Every day I know that I am blessed to have been part of many miracles, but like every one else, I still struggle with daily challenges. Right now, most of my challenges are related to the tumor and/or the surgery and all the side effects. At times I feel like I cannot be justified in having a bad day, knowing full well that my life is a blessing because I am still here. But, Jason summed it up when he said "I am a work in progress", helping me realize that my life is still not perfect, even if I have experienced a miracle.

I know this is hard for some people to hear. They would prefer to hear my standard "I am doing better and making progress every day" report. And so, this is what I often give. And, on most days I do have that attitude myself. However, my whole life is in a state of change and this is challenging for me. My home, routines, schedules and abilties are all being changed and challenged. My physical impairments, though improving, still cause me daily problems.

I honestly cannot see about 50% of the time because of my "bad" eye. The slightest bit of wind or air in my eye and it is painful, blurry and goopy for hours. My ear is in a constant "plugged" state and causes me to miss out on many parts of the conversations going on around me; it feels like my head is in a cloud and I am missing what goes on all around me. I still get headaches every day and they usually get worse as the day progresses. For the last 2 days, I have woken up with headaches, which is a bad sign for the rest of the day. My paralysis is improving but still causing problems with my mouth and skin. As some of you know, I also have PLMD, Periodic limb movement disorder (essentially Restless legs syndrome only with all my limbs, not just my legs). This is also a neurologic disorder that we were all hoping would be connected to the tumor, and therefore gone with the surgery, but no such luck. So, I don't sleep well because of my crazy limbs. Without sleep, all of life seems harder. On most days, I can handle any one of these inconviences, but at times, when they all kick in at once, it can be a challenge for me to deal with.

When I get discouraged because of these challenges, I have to remember that I am still here, a huge blessing considering I was on my deathbed six weeks ago. I guess what I am saying with all this rambling is that I must remember that my life and my physical abilities are all still a "Work in Progress", even though miracles have already happened. I need to be patient with myself, and ask that you be patient with me, as I continue to struggle with all the nuances that are now part of my life. Not every day will be perfect, but it is normal to cry or get discouraged, as long as we all keep plugging along, realizing tomorrow will be another day to try again.