I have hesitated in writing this post, in "going public" so to speak. I have not wanted to admit it to myself, much less to those around me, but I have to, for myself and my family. You see, I have been getting better, every day for months now I have been getting better. But, in the last 2 weeks or so, I have been regressing, and I don't want to admit it to myself or anyone else. My physical strength and energy have been decreasing instead of increasing. My headaches have returned with a vengeance and my entire body hurts, or perhaps aches is a more appropriate term.
So, what does all this mean? Well, it means I am clearly not better and the setbacks are mostly my fault. When I see all of you, my dear neighbors and friends, I desperately want to be better. I want to do what you are doing. I want to run by your side as I see you jog by. I want to go to the games and cheer for our kids. I want to wave to you as we see each other work in our yards. I want to clean my house and make dinners and still have strength left at the end of the day. And so, I do all of these things, to try and be like you. But, I am not like you, not yet anyway. And the more I do, the worse I feel. Strangely enough, I am only doing normal stuff that a mom does, but it is still too much for my body. All the lessons, sports, scouts, errands, trips to the schools, bank, grocery store, etc. have proven once again to be too much for me. I need more rest and less stuff to do.
Last night was a perfect example. I went to Orem to watch my brother's football game. He is a senior in HS and I so badly want to be there, to support him, to cheer for him and to show him my love. But, I cannot drive on the freeway because of my eyesight and depth perception. So, I loaded the kids into the car and we drove the short distance to the commuter train station. We rode the train to Salt Lake, where we met Tolan. He drove us the rest of the way to Orem (it took nearly 2.5 hours from the time I left my house until we reached our destination, a trip that normally takes just over an hour). We ate dinner at the mall, then went to the game. It was Orem High's homecoming game and it was so fun to be there and cheer for Brett and the team. I loved it. I love being there. I loved feeling a part of the excitement. But, part way through the game, our Casen started feeling sick, so we left early. Brett played a good game (playing both offense and defense) and OHS won, and I was so glad I could be there. But, truthfully, we left early for me, too.
By the time we got home (after turning around because we forgot about the other car still at the train station), I was "hammered". My body was so worn out, but I couldn't sleep. My muscles were so tired, I couldn't even keep my eye closed, so I kept holding it shut with my hand, in hopes of getting some rest.
Today, well, today I feel pretty lousy. So, why do I tell you all of this?? I am not trying to complain. I love life, life is so good. That is precisely part of my struggle. I so desperately want to live my second chance at life out to the very fullest that I overdo it and make myself go backward instead of forward. I am telling you this so you can help me, perhaps simply by reminding me to slow down, or maybe even by not inviting me to do the things I so badly want to do. I just need to slow down, and often, I don't know how.
I am still very happy and positive about my long-term recovery. Just yesterday, we discovered another small facial muscle that I can move. And, last week I heard more good news from a neurologist. I have been experiencing a metallic taste in my mouth for about 6 weeks now. It never goes away, though some food tastes cover it up temporarily. The doctor told me this is a good sign, that my taste buds are trying to overcome the paralysis and re-establish a connection, but right now the taste sensors are misfiring. So, I guess the taste of sucking on pennies is a good thing. :)
If you have made it this far, congratulations. I have not meant to sound down, because I am not down. I just need for all of you to help me be realistic with myself and my abilities...I need my very own road signs that say "Slow Down, Recovery Work Ahead. Body Fines Double for Speeding in the Recovery Zone." Love you all.