Friday, October 23, 2009

Struggling and Repeating Repeating Myself

It has been only hours since my last post, but I am having a very hard time and I just need to vent. Mentally I often feel like I am doing very well, like I am conquering this challenge, one day at a time. Physically, however, I feel differently. I feel like I am in the body of an 80-year-old, struggling to do the things I once could.

The process of lying in the hospital bed on my side for nearly 5 weeks have wreaked havoc on my back, neck, shoulders and hips. I already had problems with those areas, but now I am much worse. For weeks now I have been in constant pain and been unable to sleep. Last night I slept with a seat massage pad in my bed so I could get relief if things got too bad. Well, I used the massager multiple times in the night, but I didn't sleep much and I am a total mess. I physically hurt so much, my muscles are in knots and I am in pain. Mentally, I cannot overcome this one until I can get some relief.

I have been awake for hours and I am just trying to figure out how to tackle this challenge. It is not greater than the other challenges I have faced, but it is causing me a lot of pain and anquish right now. I will be making some phone calls soon to see what solutions are available.

Last night Tolan also brought up an issue which I am struggling with. He told me that since my surgeries, he has noticed that I repeat myself, telling the same thing multiple times to a single person. I was not aware of this, but I am aware of other "little" things that frustrate me, including forgetting words, names, etc. Medically speaking, these things should not be happening, they should not be effects from my suregeries. And yet, they are happening.

Throughout all these personal frustrations, I have become yet more appreciative of life and love. I know these challenges are mine right now for very specific reasons and I pray that I will be able to overcome and learn lessons that will help me down the road.

7 comments:

Pam said...

Your honesty in this post is the perfect message. I have no idea to really help. I will continue to pray for you, Jodi.

wjmom said...

How about massage therapy? Just a thought.

Els Manning said...

oh how my heart aches for you. I can just feel your frustrations, and i can imagine that i would be frustrated if i was going through your process. i think i mentioned that patience is not my strongest asset... And lack of sleep is hard on a body.. Aspecially when it's trying to heal. Hang in there beautiful girl. Hang in there... And keep the faith...

Jason said...

Jodi my friend, you and I are a lot more alike than either of us may want to admit. No joke, I've been saying for almost 5 years that it feels like I'm in the body of an old man- even though I don't 'feel' that way most of the time inside. Also, Steph has been telling me for awhile now that I repeat myself and have the same conversations time and time again. It's something that I'm only a little bit aware of. Isn't that kind of funny though? It's plenty frustrating though, I know that for sure. I don't know why it makes me laugh sometimes, like every time that I wear a diaper I think it's kinda gross and stuff, but pretty hilarious. Especially when almost everything in our society is telling me or insinuating what I should look like and do. Keep up the fight girl, and keep perspective. We both know that we could always be suffering even more (although sometimes that's hard to believe). You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Steph and everyone I know too :)
Great things to come my friend :)

Anonymous said...

Karen Kraftick (Kraftick Chiropratic) in Roy can do amazing things. It might be worth checking out. She has helped many people with a variety of problems. Wendy T.

B said...

Jodi, I'm sorry for your frustration and pain. I don't know if this will help, but this mattress pad has helped many of my friends who are in constant pain from fibromyalgia. It is the Cuddle Ewe (made of sheep/lamb wool). http://www.cuddleewe.com/Testimonials.aspx

Janet Lisonbee said...

Hi Jodi,

I recently heard about your situation and was able to find your Dad on facebook. He sent me to this site. Our prayers go out to you. You are an amazing woman and you have a beautiful family! We learn so much from life's experiences, even though we would never choose to go through them. You are tough and determined and you will pull through this! Love, Janet Elmore Lisonbee