It has been only hours since my last post, but I am having a very hard time and I just need to vent. Mentally I often feel like I am doing very well, like I am conquering this challenge, one day at a time. Physically, however, I feel differently. I feel like I am in the body of an 80-year-old, struggling to do the things I once could.
The process of lying in the hospital bed on my side for nearly 5 weeks have wreaked havoc on my back, neck, shoulders and hips. I already had problems with those areas, but now I am much worse. For weeks now I have been in constant pain and been unable to sleep. Last night I slept with a seat massage pad in my bed so I could get relief if things got too bad. Well, I used the massager multiple times in the night, but I didn't sleep much and I am a total mess. I physically hurt so much, my muscles are in knots and I am in pain. Mentally, I cannot overcome this one until I can get some relief.
I have been awake for hours and I am just trying to figure out how to tackle this challenge. It is not greater than the other challenges I have faced, but it is causing me a lot of pain and anquish right now. I will be making some phone calls soon to see what solutions are available.
Last night Tolan also brought up an issue which I am struggling with. He told me that since my surgeries, he has noticed that I repeat myself, telling the same thing multiple times to a single person. I was not aware of this, but I am aware of other "little" things that frustrate me, including forgetting words, names, etc. Medically speaking, these things should not be happening, they should not be effects from my suregeries. And yet, they are happening.
Throughout all these personal frustrations, I have become yet more appreciative of life and love. I know these challenges are mine right now for very specific reasons and I pray that I will be able to overcome and learn lessons that will help me down the road.