Every Monday night, we shun the world and spend time together as a family: Family Home Evening (FHE), is what it is called. Our church has recommended this for years, and we have done it since I was a little girl, so I am glad Tolan and I have continued the tradition. So, last night for our FHE, we wrote Thank You cards for all my doctors, nurses and staff of the Neuro Care Units. Yes, it has been a while since I have been out of the hospital, but I think it is almost better for me to thank them now that I have a little more perspective on life, that is my past, present and future lives. :) It was surprisingly emotional for me to write down my feelings about the people who invested so much time and energy into helping me. I shed a few tears of thanksgiving.
I read through the blog posts to remember names of some of my nurses, so I could thank them by name. As I did this, I once again, got caught up in reading "my story" as it happened from one minute or one day to the next. Now, many people would want to forget such a challenge. Some would say I am crazy for reading about it or looking at all the pictures...but I don't feel that way at all. It is eery when I read it, because I feel like it is not me, but like I am reading a book from a 3rd person perspective. Does that seem strange?
As you think back on your life, do you think of each individual day? No, of course not. There is too much. What we think about are "events" or things that are particularly memorable for some reason. That is how I think about my experiences of the last year. There was "pre-diagnosis", "tumor diagnosis", "fear and waiting", "surgery #1", "spinal fluid leak and paralysis", "surgery #2", "near-death experiences", "surgery #3", "homecoming", "surgery #4", etc., etc. These are the "Events" that comprise my memories. When I read the day-to-day posts, I find myself wondering "what will happen next?". Then I read it, and all the memories come flooding back, but in my mind, I don't think of my life the way I do when I read about it in the posts.
I read all the way through June 1, 2009, before stopping for the evening. I sobbed, yet again, as I read and remembered... I cried when I read about Trenden fasting for me, day after day. I cried when I saw pictures of my family, giving me hugs. I cried when I thought of my dad, there by my side every day. I cried when I thought of my mom, taking care of my kids. I cried when I saw my sweet Tolan, the rock of my life, staring at his wife in a hosital bed. I cried when I read the posts from YOU when you expressed your love, concern and offering of prayers and help. I cried when I remembered the specific details of tiny moments that could be forgotten, were it not for the words captured on the posts of the blog.
Tolan and I talked about it last night and decided I need to get the blog put into book form as soon as I can. This is my life and my history. You are part of it. You have kept me going on hard days (like today when my eye doesn't want to work, so Mary Ann is picking up Lindi from dance, since I can't see). You have encouraged me, uplifted me, inspired me and motivated me. Yes, this is my life and my history and you are definitely part of it! Thank you!