Not long ago, I posted about my life being "under construction". This continues to be more true than I could have anticipated in the moment the analogy first came into my mind. Tonight, for example, I was reminded that I cannot drive in the dark (of course, it wasn't dark when I left the house, but the night seems to be coming earlier these days!). So, as I drove home, the path was full of orange cones, flag men and slow-down signs, which in reality means blurry vision, poor eyesight and fluid draining from my eyes. The funny thing is, my eye was good all day, until I attempted to drive. :) (Don't worry, my friends, I stayed within my 5-mile limit!)
One thing my mother-in-law, Kay, mentioned about the construction analogy is that construction projects always take more time than anticipated. This one is hard for me. People ask me constantly how I am doing. The truth is, in comparison to 4 months ago, I am doing remarkably well and I am a totally different physical person! However, in comparison to the person I would like to be, well, I still have a long way to go. A few good friends keep reminding me, I did just have a few MAJOR BRAIN SURGERIES!! Of course it should take time to recover, it is just longer than I'd like. :)
It is funny to think about now, but when I was in the hospital, the facial paralysis, hearing, sight, headaches, etc. didn't really bother me. Now, that is not to say I wasn't in pain, because I was often in nearly unbearable pain, but the idea of the paralysis didn't bother me. It wasn't until I got home and tried to become "normal" again that I realized how hard it would be for me to adjust in the real world. The hospital is anything but the real world, it is a bubble away from the world.
Since I am on an analogy kick, another one I think about often is pregnancy. From the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant, her every thought is somehow influenced by the little life inside her. What she eats, when she goes to bed, how/when/if she exercises, how she feels, all of these things are influenced by the fact that she knows she is pregnant. "I won't eat that cake because it isn't good for the baby..." Then, once the child is born, all decisions are influenced by the child that has joined the family. This is very much how I have felt, as well. Every day, in each thing I do, the "tumor" (and its effects) are somewhere in the back of my mind. Sometimes it is because of things I cannot do, other times it is because of gratitude, other times I am still in shock that it was really "inside of me" causing all those complications.
Today, for example, Trenden and I were talking about what an excellent public speaker he is, especially for a 10-year old! We recalled the day of his cousin's baptism, when Trenden gave the main talk and blew us all away with his wit, charm and understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Well, it happened to be April 11, 2009, the day after my diagnosis. When I mentioned this to Trenden, he said, "Is that the day you and dad were crying all the time?" Yes, it was the day, or days, or weeks... I started to cry tonight, yet again, when I recalled how it felt when we were told I had an "inoperable brain tumor" on my brain stem. Oh, the emotions. And, yes, since that time, I have been pregnant with a tumor.
So, tonight as I am totally exhausted, yet rarely able to sleep well, I cannot help but think of all my analogies for life and simply hope that tonight's path will be free of debris and mom and the "baby" will have a good night. Hope you do, too!