Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Walking and Talking to Myself

I wish I knew what was "going on" right now with me, why I am having such a hard time. I seem to have part of the day when I do well, then the rest of the time when I really struggle. Yesterday was exactly like that, a good start to the day, but a terrible ending. By late evening, I seemed to have all my "issues" to deal with at once. My eye was very irritated and I was trying to hold it shut, my restless limbs were going crazy, my whole body was tight and aching, the metallic taste in my mouth was stronger than ever, my headache was "on", my mouth and hearing were "off", and to top it off, I had a horrible itchy rash all over my body. I think the rash was a reaction to weeds I had pulled in my yard earlier in the day.

So, by 9pm, I was at my worst, but my body was nowhere near sleep. So, I bundled up and went for a walk outside, by myself. I walked for about 25 minutes and cried out loud much of the time. I talked to myself in my head, wondering why I seem to be struggling so much right now. But, mostly I just cried. I thought about stopping and talking to a friend. In fact, I want all my neighbors to know that I did think about coming to you to vent it all out. I almost stopped at a dozen different homes (Annette, Cami or Cami, Nancy, Kathryn, Heidi, Cathy, Belinda, Els, Andee, Vener, etc). I love and appreciate you all, but I just didn't know what I would even say. You would have offered to help, but I wouldn't have known what to even ask you for. That is why I feel so stuck. I know people still want to help, but I don't know what will help...

So, here it is, another morning, and sure enough, the sun came out again this morning and I am feeling good, for now. The tears have dried up, the itchiness has subsided, but many of the issues remain...because they are part of me for now.

Perhaps I am just coveting my old life, one where I could give instead of receive, play without hurting and have endless energy and strength. But, that is not where I am now, I am here. So, my challenge for today, and everyday, is to love myself, just as I am, challenges and all. I will definitely need God's help, but I know He is there for me, as He has been for me every day of my life!

6 comments:

Tami said...

I will always cry with you Jo... Maybe you need to take a trip to The Cheesecake Factory, that ALWAYS makes me feel better! :-)

Love Ya-Tami

britt said...

Jodi-I am soo sorry you are struggling like this! I wish there was something I could do to make things feel NORMAL for you again, even just for a day :) The only thing that I keep thinking is that you are one of the strongest among us, the only one who could see the positive in all this and still hang on! Much Aloha to you and miss as much, if not more than ever!!

Brandon Rhoads and Family said...

Hey Jodi- I do not check your blog as often as I should. I just read it tonight and just wanted you to know that we are still praying for you and your family. You have been so strong and truly a great inspiration to all of us. I was telling Tolan we need to all go out for lunch/dinner and Tolan keeps coming up with excuses. Pretty soon he will run out of excuses. We will have to do it! -- --Brandon

Anonymous said...

I know a Brandon Rhodes. I wonder if he is the same guy? If the medical profession says that it takes a year for our bodies (the moms)to recover from having a baby, how long do you think it takes for major brain surgery? (Jodi not Tolan)The experience itself will make changes forever in all of our lives. Our bodies and minds need time to adjust, to heal, to strengthen and to mourn. Things are different. You will always miss the way things used to be. Don't be so hard on yourself. Cry, adjust, be patient. Look for the gift. There is always one.
Sheree

Pam said...

You are a warrior princess. And you will win out over all of this. God bless you.

Els Manning said...

next time stop, and i'll hug you and help you cry. Remember shared joy is double joy? Maybe shared crying is half the pain? Feel free to...any time...day, night...