Tuesday, February 9, 2010

. . . . . . . .Defining and Refining

Thanks to everyone who sent emails and gave suggestions to me after my last post. I appreciate the love and support I receive from all of you!

A conversation with a good friend yesterday prompted me to think back in time to when this "journey" began, last year on Easter weekend, when I received my initial diagnosis. At the time, and honestly since then, I have lived in a bubble, aware of only those things I needed to be aware of to survive.

What I have begun to find out, is that outside of my bubble, the outlook for my life was far more grim than I realized. Many friends, doctors, church members and neighbors knew of the location of my tumor and the very realistic potential outcomes, many of which were not good. I continue to find out about predictions that went something like this:

"She's toast."
"I'm afraid she probably won't make it."
"I am losing my friend."
"Don't mean to be frank, but she's a goner."
"She won't be around to raise her kids."

Now as I look back, I don't want to dwell on these things, but they are very good reminders that my life truly is a blessing. I actually did have miracles that saved me!

When people talked to me, they did not say these things upfront of course, and I honestly didn't let myself go "there", to the possibility of my death. I knew that I HAD to stay positive to make it and that was that.

Since I have been home from the hospital, I have heard things like:

"Do you know how lucky you are to be alive?"
"Someone must have been looking out for you."
"I didn't want to tell you or your family, but based on pure medical reasoning, I didn't think you had a chance."

These reminders are critical for me right now, as I am continually struggling with how to become normal again. I feel like I am in a "funk" and figuring out life is harder for me now than I could have imagined. I don't want to let the events of the last year define me, but rather refine me. So past predictions become fuel for my refiner's fire. Now I just have to figure out how to deal with the heat and challenges of my new life.


Pam said...

Jodi, leave your ego on the porch. Moms are moms, that's about it. There are no gold medals or statues. It's the good and the bad mixed with the good and bad of our children and spouses. Nothing more.

Els Manning said...

I agree with Pam...Dont try to become a fairytale..ha ha ha! You will not wake up and live in a castle. NOr will there be a fairy godmother with a wand that cleans your house, and have a 6 star dinner ready. Reality is we work , and work, and get very little credit, or apreciation. However when they have turned into grown ups and apreciate you sooo much...you can sit back and beam. Till then .... keep on plowing, sowing, and waiting. And i imagine that it's frustrating in your case... However you really do need to put things in perspective and be realistic. We all have our not so shining moments. Read other's blogs... you are human my dear! And that is alright...